All in One Sentence...

2 years ago on March 18th, I lost a baby. A baby I didn't even know I was carrying. A baby we were not trying for, as we were done having kids. It was a Sunday, I was photographing my first set of mini sessions. I started cramping up really bad and having horrible back pain, I kept going up to the bathroom (which was a loooong hike uphill) because I was in so much pain. I began bleeding. I thought surely I had a kidney infection. The pain kept on, all day Sunday, all day Monday. I called Monday to get an appointment with my doctor and they didn't have anything available until Tuesday morning. I went in Tuesday morning and they took blood work, a urine sample, and I am sure ran a few more tests. Then they told me it appeared I was having a miscarriage. I sat in that room and found out I was pregnant and loosing a baby all in one sentence. I cried. Somehow I managed to wait until we got into the car, but as soon as I sat down in the passenger seat, I cried. I cried and don't think I stopped for days. I wondered what I would have thought if I had known I was pregnant, what would the other 3 kids have thought? I didn't even get to have the excitement and celebrate that baby before it was gone. Before my body was contracting and shedding this baby, I didn't get to have the excitement. I kept it mostly to myself. Why? I don't know. I have thought a lot about why I kept this mostly to myself and why as a society, I think miscarriage is usually something we don't talk much about. I think we are too afraid of causing other people to be uncomfortable talking about it. The truth is, I have 5 kids, and it is ok for people to know that! One of them got to go straight to the arms of Jesus, how can I be sad about that? Yes, I want to meet my baby, but how cool that the first face my baby got to see was Jesus! I think about my baby and how old it would be (16 months right now), what it would look like (me or Josh or one of it's siblings?), what their personality would be like? I can't wait to embrace my baby in my arms one day, oh how glorious that will be! For now, I know that our baby is safe in the arms of Jesus and that is comforting. The journey drew me closer to Jesus and gave me an eternal bond with all other mothers who have experienced this loss. It truly is something you don't understand and can't comprehend until you experience it. I don't know what compelled me to share this, but I know that I am not alone, and knowing that when I lost my baby was very comforting. So, here I am letting you all know that I lost a baby, and it is ok to talk about, and it is ok to share! Thanks for listening...er, reading!